This has been the worst 72 hours of my life.
Allison: I'm faking my own death.
So you're looking for a way out.
I have heard of women, you know, getting out.
People assume that they died.
Allison tried to kill you.
What is marriage if not a death sentence, right?
If you need help, I'm around.Get out.
I don't want to be me anymore. I need your help.
[Laughs] Obviously I have a lot to figure out.
I am working on it
because I really do want you around.
I am helping you with this one last thing.
You have my services.
Great. We're a lot of work.
[Doorknob turning, door opens]
[Suspenseful music]
♪
[Floorboard creaks]
♪
[Slow footsteps]
♪
Get the hell out of my house!
[Grunts, coughing]
Oh! Neil?
God, what the hell?
Stop hitting me!
Jesus Christ, haven't you assaulted me enough?!
I'm -- No.
This is not the time to be in a woman's house at 4:00 AM
sneakin' around!
I wasn't sneakin'!
I was... bein' quiet.
Excuse me -- I didn't wanna wake you up.
Have you seen the news in this town lately?
You're lucky I didn't --
Are you stealin' from me?
No.
I-I think of it more like medical reimbursement.
Since the concussion you gave me, I can't sleep.
I need weed, you can afford it.
Give me that!
[Scoffs]
Here.
Now get out.
I said I needed to sleep, not get drunk.
Look, can you just give me, like, $40.
It's the least you can do.
No.
I'm done.
I'm not gonna let you hold what happened over my head
for the rest of our lives.
You screwed up, too --
Hey, shut up.
I'm not holding anythin' over your head.
I only wish you hit me harder so I could forget all this shit.
I don't want to think about it, I don't want to talk about it.
I just want to pretend like it never happened at all.
But I just --
I need to sleep.
♪
Wait, I'll give you -- I'll give you the money.
♪
[Claps, exclaims]
Oh, wife!
[Studio audience laughing]
Oh! Oh! Are you kidding me?!
[Studio audience laughing]
Ah! Of course I'm kidding you.
If I wasn't, that'd be mean.
[Studio audience laughing]
And hey, you know, it's not officially
Pal-o-ween until I scare the bejesus out of you!
Oh, great. It's Pal-o-ween again.
Yep! The official holiday
to share a 'ween between pals.
[Studio audience laughing]
Well, you know, the day that Neil and I scare each other.
Right.The 31st of every month.
Just to be clear, nothin' about that statement
sounds wrong to you?
Oh! [Laughs] I see what you mean.
You think that we should have the holiday
twice a month! Okay!
I know I must be maturing, 'cause I'm not even
gonna go there.Thank you?
And, uh, I know -- I know --
I know it might seem a bit insensitive to do this
while the Patriots are gettin' murdered every Sunday,
but I think they'd want me to carry on --
in their honor.
Okay, you need to stop honoring thing
'cause it's always super disrespectful.
Like when?!Like, you only did a tribute
to John Lennon so you'd have an excuse to sing
a dirty version of "Imagine."
"Imagine all the pee-holes"?
Like I'm supposed to keep that to myself?!
Wait, where are you going?
Goin' to the movies with Patty.
No, no, no, no, no! You can't!
You are a crucial part of the Pal-o-ween celebration!
Last week, you said, "Hey, babe, no offense,
but it's wicked cool when you're not here."
[Studio audience laughing]
Wow! That was mean!
I know!
I don't sound anything like that!
Goodbye.Wait! No, no, no!
You can't leave! You can't!
We'll get too scared!
I-I mean, Neil gets scared
watchin' the horror movies,
and you -- you're the --
the harsh dose of reality that we --
heneeds to keep us --
him from gettin' too scared.
We need ya!
Well, remind him it's just a movie.
Nothin' like the actual murders that happened on the street.
Hmm?On a night just like this.
Goodbye!
[Studio audience laughing]
Ah!
[Studio audience laughing]
♪
I don't know why you do this to yourself.
Ugh. Just keep them in one place.
I have a system!
Oh, yeah? What system is that?
I live my life. I throw my keys where I want.
Keeps me spontaneous.
Ugh! I'm gonna be late.
It's just Allison.
You really can't blow her off and come with me?
I know it's annoying, but I promised her
that I'd go pick up a coffee table with her
from this guy off Craigslist.
She's freaked out and doesn't want to go alone.
Of course.
Wouldn't want to see her get murdered.
Wow.Sorry, I didn't mean that.
I said I would try with her, and I will.
I am.Thank you.
And you don't even really have to try that hard.
Well, it's not just that -- work kinda sucks right now.
I'm not in homicide, but the general sense of failure
just sort of trickles down.
Oh! Sounds like the O'Connor household growin' up.
My sister planned tonight to cheer me up,
or at least get me drunk.
If you think I'm gonna miss a chance
to see you slightly out of control?
I'm gonna be there.
I want to be there.
Just gonna be a little bit late.
Your keys are on the bathroom sink.
You knew where they were?
I guessed.
[Scoffs]
Thank you for hanging out today.
I will see you later.
Lock up when ya leave.
Bye.Bye.
♪
Hey.Jesus!
Well, that was a bit dramatic.
Okay, well, you walk really quiet.
No one has ever accused me of that before.
I can also walk really quietly away if that's what you want.
No, no, no, I -- Promise I won't be a dick.
I'm just freaked out.
Can't do this without you.
Say it again.
I cannot do this without you.
Okay, that's better.
And thank you so much,
and I care for you a great deal.
Me, too. Whatever.
What'd you tell Kevin we're doin' tonight?
Uh, seein' a moving.
[Scoffs, groans]
Just once when you say we were goin' to the movies,
I wish we were actually goin' to the movies!
Well, we can when this is all over.
We can't, Allison.
'Cause you'll be dead.
♪
[Studio audience laughing]
[Rumbling, creaking]
[Studio audience laughing]
♪
[Knocking]
♪
Hi.
Yeah, yeah. Get inside.
So... Good evening.
Shall I take your coats?
Oh. Um... Unh.
It's a little chilly in here. I'm okay.
I wasn't serious -- you're not getting comfortable, okay?
You're in, you're out. You've found your bachelorette.
So, she's in here?
It's here or the itinerant section of the graveyard,
but most of those folks kicked it a long time ago.
This is your best bet for a new identity.
'Kay.Can't you just f-forge us
some documents that say Madison McLoberts
or something?
This needs to last you the rest of your life.
You need a real person,
someone unclaimed, young, single --
-Dead. -Dead.
As far as identities go, I mean, this seems like
a pretty pathetic one to assume.
Sorry.Capobianco's a buddy.
Well, a contact.
He's known for taking all the unclaimed bodies
no one else in the city will get rid of or bury.
That's weird.That's helpful!
And yeah, a little weird.
He's done this for me once before.
He leaves the place open and doesn't stick around
to ask any questions.
Go to the storage room in the basement.
It's at the southeast side of the building.
Look for a name and background that works.
Good luck.Wait! No! You're not comin'?
I did what you paid me for!
The rest is up to you gals.
I wouldn't take too long if I were you.
What, is he coming back?
No, but is an empty mortuary where you wanna be?
[Chuckles]
♪
"White female, born between 1979 and 1991."
[Scoffs] You think you could pass for 30?
Okay, the PI wrote that, not me.
Oh! That explains why it's written in the margins
of a Boston Whaler brochure.
"Little online presence, no surviving loved ones,
on vaca--" On vacation?
Yeah, well, if she died here but was from another state,
her Social Security number's probably still active.
Ugh! On vacation in Worcester?!
I thought the new you couldn't get any sadder.
♪
[Organ playing]
♪
Man: I'm so sorry.
♪
What is it?
Nothin'. Just glad you're here.
Let's find that very sad bachelorette of yours and leave.
♪
I don't want to be here longer than we have to be.
Okay, now who's being dramatic?
I'm not scared.
I'm busy -- and cold.
You're busy?Yeah.
I have plans with Tammy later.
Okay, well, if you had plans, then we could've done this
another time.No, you wanna be here longer
than we have to be?
You're right.
We will... be quick.
I am right.
Have to say, this place is actually pretty gorgeous.
Sure it is.
If you like cherubs.
Uh, which door.
It's downstairs.What?
No, I'm thinking that's how we get into the basement,
you know, and then it's probably just a couple of turns
to get into the southeast corner.
Well, I have no sense of direction.
I used to think that north was
just whatever was in front of me.
Well, the guy said southeast corner,
so, in the basement.
♪
[Inhaling]
♪
[Cellphone vibrating]
♪
[Vibrating continues]
♪
Hey, buddy.
I'm comin'.
[Grunts]
♪
Great. Even further underground.
What kinda guy takes in bodies nobody else wants?
I mean, it sounds charitable.
I think it's creepy.
♪
So, what are your plans later?Huh?
With Tammy, or...
Oh, yeah. Uh, board games.
♪
Here it is.
♪
Okay, who the hell is this guy?
Who knew there was a version of death sadder than regular death?
"Eleanor Barrett, 1964." No.
"Deirdre Ryan, 1987." That could work.
It just feels like punishment for dyin' alone.
Well, Deirdre did die alone,
but she had a very active Facebook page,
which is not helpful.
[Thudding]What was that?
I thought we were alone here.
"Michelle Borgeous."
Wait, "Michelle Borj-us."
It feels like you're just burnin' through names.
Well, Allison, I gotta go!
I know, I know.
You have plans.
I thought you hated board games.
What are you talkin' about?
Just sayin', you don't have to pretend to like a thing
just to make someone happy.[Laughs]
I found her.
Born in Connecticut.
Died on the Mass Pike near Grafton
in a very violent pile up. No kids, no husband.
Okay, can you just be quiet, please?
The article about the accident only mentions her name once.
No obit, not even a coworker who was guilted
into doing a GoFundMe to pay for the funeral.
Completely unremarkable and alone!
"Gertrude Fronch"?Uh-huh.
You want me to be someone named Gertrude Fronch?
And she's 10 years older than me?!
Well... you look really good for your 40s.
No, no, no. Not happening.
Sorry.
♪
[Stifling sobs]
♪
[Panicked breathing]
♪
[Door opens] Oh, God, Allison.
[Studio audience cheering and applauding]
Hi, Mom. You weren't going at
the honey-baked, were you?
I know you're an emotional eater,
but nitrates killed your father.
Well, they say heart attacks
can also be brought on by stress.
I can't stress enough how much I don't care.
[Studio audience laughing]
There's that bedside manner that took care of Dad
in his final moments?
[Studio audience laughing]
Um, it's a great photo.
'Cause it's 15 years old.[Studio audience laughing]
He was always "about to get healthy,"
lose weight, eat better --
Stop drinkin'?Oh, no.
He was a liar, not an idiot.
[Studio audience laughing]
Well, are you gonna pick that up,
or are we too good for
the five second rule?
Right.No one's even had any.
It's too fancy.
I never should have let you plan the wake.
I bought a ham, it's not the end of the world.
It's not that you bought a ham.
It's that you think we're ham people.
[Studio audience laughing]
It's like that suit you put Dad in.
I don't even know where you got that.
Well, it's Gucci, but it's spelled with two O's,
so I thought it was fine.
[Studio audience laughing]
You're just like your father.
Real lofty goals, terrible follow through.
I spent 30 years bringing that man down to earth.
[Sighs]
What am I gonna do now?
Well, I guess I still have you to keep an eye on.
Actually, I was thinkin' about going away to school.
Oh, Allison.
College is for ham people.
[Studio audience laughing]
[Laughs derisively]
[Studio audience laughing]
[Organ music]
♪
I like Gertrude.
Gertie.
She checks all the boat pamphlet boxes.
No, I can't be that for the rest of my life!
This is supposed to be improvement.
Allison, you specifically need a loser.
What do you want now? You want to be a loser
with a pretty name and a cool backstory?
Look, I know that this is gross and creepy,
but we've been looking for, like, five minutes.
Allison --I --
I feel like if we actually try,
we can do better than Gertrude Fronch, okay?
Now, come on.
Woman: I got a five, six, seven.
Woman: You can't go out unless you hit 30.
Why do we play if you don't pay attention
during the instructions?
Can I please just have it back?
No.Come on.
You were staring at it too much.
It was getting pathetic. Keep drinking.
It's my phone, you can't just steal it.
Why not? You stole my Ralph Lauren sweater.
Mom got it from Loehmann's.Whatever.
You still ruined it.
I was 15. We're grown now.
Or at least, I thought we were.
Listen, if she texts and you haven't responded,
it'll make you look busy.
It's not just about her.
I'm also waiting on a call about surveillance footage
from a precinct in Vermont.
That's, like, important police work.
Come on!
Jesus, Kim, it's her phone. Just give it to her.
♪ ...sea of love ♪
♪ And you give me your affection ♪
♪ I got a picture of you ♪
Anything?
Not from her.
I tried to save you from this.
Who's Neil?
And why's he called you 13 times?
James Fitzpatrick, Todd Kelly...
Ugh!No luck?
No!
God, I hate this place.
My dad's wake was here.
Worst day of my life.
It was also the night I met Kevin.
And you! Remember?
No.
Can we just get out of here.
We have what we need.Okay.
I know this isn't fun, but we're
figuring out the rest of my life, okay?
It could mean the difference between me dying
surrounded by fat little grandkids, and this.
It's -- It's a name.
No, it's my future. I'm not like you.
I can't just pretend to like things.
I thought you said you weren't gonna be a dick.
I'm not. I --
Hey!
Are you ladies warm enough?
Yeah.No.
We're gonna get out of here. Thank you for --
Yeah.Sorry, sorry. Thank you.
Sorry.
♪
No.
♪
I think there's a bus comin' in a couple of minutes.
I know there's a creepy guy downstairs,
but I'd rather wait here than out in the cold.
Okay. Well, have fun with Tammy.
What -- What are you doing?
I'm going to the graveyard. It's right here.
Billy said that's where the other abandoned bodies are.
I --
I can't go with you.
I know.
♪
[Indistinct rock music in background]
♪
Whoa! Oh! Oh, God.
Jesus.Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Sweater's tricky.
I bet.
Hello?! How hard is it to pour a beer?
I got cash.
Hey. You can have some of this.
I kinda hate beer, but it reminds me of my dad
and this was his favorite bar, so...
It kinda felt right today.
Oh.Yeah.
I was gonna pay tribute to him by watching NASCAR
and getting yelled at by my mom, but this felt more fun.
Yeah.
It looks like you're havin' fun.
♪
On the day of my mother's funeral,
I threw up Bailey's behind the church.
That's no good.
Hey.
Sorry! Sorry.
Sorry about your mother.
How old were you when she passed?
I was 11.
Oh.
Yeah, it was a bad day.
It was a bad year, actually.
But she would've understood the booze.
I bet your dad would've too.Yeah.
Hey, maybe they're getting drunk together somewhere.
Oh, I doubt that for a whole lot of reasons.
But if delusions make you happy...
They do.They do.
They do, so, thank you.
You're welcome.
Are you sure you don't want any of this?
I promise I won't... cry on you
if you sit next to me.
No, I-I'm waiting on my, uh --
on my brother and his idiot friends.
Okay.I'll make them buy me one.
Nice to meet you.Patty.
Patty. Yeah.
I'm Allison.
Well, good night.
Watch out for that sweater.
[Laughs]
♪
Okay.
Maybe I should come back in the day.
[Cat screeches, Allison gasps]
[Screams, thud]
♪
[Gasping, groaning]
Shit.
[Groaning]
Fantastic.
[Groans]
♪
[Grunts]
♪
Ah!
[Labored breathing]
♪
And bam -- he walks right into me!
There's coffee, donuts flyin' everywhere.
I look at him and I says,
"Should we exchange insurance info?"
[Laughter] Like a car accident!
[Studio audience laughing]
Hi.
[Studio audience laughing]
Hi.
Why do I get the feeling that no one in this bar
is having as much fun as you are?
Because no one ever does!
[Studio audience laughing]
I'm not very good at fun.
Yeah. I can tell.
You're dressed all fancy.
Oh. It's not fancy.
It's Gucci, but with two O's.
But it's too binding, you know?
I mean, if you wanna have fun, you gotta be
ready to haul ass at any moment.
[Studio audience laughing]
Haul ass? From what?
Bouncers, Yankee fans,
various nocturnal animals.
[Studio audience laughing]You think he's jokin'?
He had rabies last week.
Ah.[Studio audience laughing]
I'm Kevin,
rabies-free since Friday.
[Studio audience laughing]
And this is Neil and Doug,
my two best buds in the whole world.
Um, hello?!
And that's Neil's sister.
Oh, we, uh -- we met at the bar earlier.
Run for your life.
[Studio audience laughing]
You look like you, uh, need a drink.
Oh, uh, well, I'd love a beer.
Whoa. A chick you likes beer?
I didn't know they exist.
[Studio audience laughing]Hello?!
So, uh, you want a bottle or a tap?
Uh, tap sounds great.
All right...
[Studio audience laughing]
That'll be $5.
[Studio audience laughing]
[Panicked breathing]
Goddamn idiot.
Jesus.
Can you just calm down?
[Ragged breathing slows]
Ah! Ow! Ow!Leg up!
[Both grunt]Oh.
God!
You okay?
Yeah.
I thought you left.
I knew you'd never find your way around here alone.
I didn't know I'd find you at the bottom of a grave.
Well, I got lost.
You ever think it's not that you have a bad sense of direction,
you just gotta pay attention to where you're goin'?
Maybe.
Yeah.
Alright.Come on.
Let's get you up.
Up, up.
Wha--Alright.
Don't be a hero.
Hey.Arm up.
Thank you.
Yeah.
♪
How's it feel?
I think I can put some weight on it now.
Well, careful.
Yeah. Ooh.
Did I make you miss your board games?
Probably.
I'm sorry.
Eh. I'll grovel.
It'll be fine.
I also could've left.
Well, you should've.
Yeah, I'm thinking maybe that place is cursed for you.
Tonight, you almost got yourself buried alive.
The last time you were there,
it was the worst day of your life.
Maybe find yourself a new funeral home.
It wasn't the worst day of my life because of the wake.
Hey, uh...
Can we, uh, just wait?
I need a minute before I can go back in there.
Sure.
Man: I think we're okay, I think we're safe.
[Dramatic chord strikes, all scream]
[Laughs nervously]
Well, gang -- ha-ha!
This Pal-o-ween has been...
Weird.
I'll say.
Do you guys normally get this scared?
Psh.The only thing I'm scared of
is not seein' the rest of this movie,
with my eyes wide open, breathin' normally.
[Sound effect from movie, all scream]
I'm gonna get another beer.
Uh, will you grab me another Miller Lite?
But please, leave the door open, and whistle the whole time
so I know where you are,
and please don't whistle anything
too spooky.
[Studio audience laughing]
I'm gonna hit the men's.
It's always harder for me to be scared by a movie
after I've seen my whole downstairs situation.
[Studio audience laughing]
I guess I really freaked out tonight, huh?
Yeah. Yeah, you -- you got pretty scared.
But hey, how cool is it that no we have our own personal cop
we can call any time you start panicking like a child?
Yeah -- I've been having trouble sleeping lately.
It's done a real number on me.I can tell.
You thought my dad was a psycho intruder.
We almost shot him![Both laughing]
[Rattling]
[Rattling, thudding, scraping]
What was that?
A killer zombie monster?
Neil, you're supposed to suggest
something harmless first so I can dismiss it!
God, you have no sense of horror banter!
Ugh... Not in my house, you psycho!
[Screams]
Jesus!
Are You okay?
[Sobs, labored breathing]
[Playful music]
So, let me get this straight --
It's not that hard to follow, Allison!
Ya left us alone on Pal-o-ween,
which means Neil was apt to get terrified
and fly off the handle!
But how does that lead to Tammy bein' here,
and you kickin' a door into my face?
Listen, Neil came over to watch the scariest movie
of all time -- "Zombie Buffet.""Zombie Buffet."
"Chitty Chitty Bang Bang"?
Which is when we heard the weird noises
coming from the basement, so obviously,
we assumed it was the psycho intruder.
Or Mr. Dracula.
I will not give that sicko the respect
of calling him "count."[Studio audience laughing]
Go home, Neil.
So, obviously, we called for backup --
our pal Tammy, who we know we can always count on
in situations like these.
Yeah, maybe count on me just a little less from now on.
So, we all went downstairs to investigate,
but turns out, it was just Pete.
I've been squatting in the basement the last two weeks.
[Studio audience laughing]
That's what the noises were.
So, after Tammy re-holstered her gun,
we all had a good laugh!
At least, until I heard you sneakin' up the stairs,
and obviously assumed that you were a zombie
comin' to eat my plentiful flesh.
I-I can't --
How is she still not getting this?!
Uh, gee, Pete, maybe it's the severe blow to the head?
In my defense, Allison,
I don't know what you were doing out there
moaning like a freak and looking like an undead hag.
That's your defense?
How did this happen? I thought you were picking up
a coffee table?No! No, no, no!
I love our coffee table!
It looks like it was fixed by NASA.
Wait, is that why you said that you were going to the movies?
To trick me?
Yep. Yep.
But, uh, joke's on me,
'cause I slipped on the guy's lawn
and the septic tank was seeping through.
[Men laughing]How embarrassin'.
Classic Allison! Ugh.
So, what, you're sitting there leaking septic juice
all over our couch?"Our" couch?
Oh, I live here permanently now.
[Studio audience laughing]
I'm gonna go hang out someplace a little less weird.
Maybe bust a meth house or something.
I protect and serve.
You kick a door into my face.
I pop you in the face by accident one time.
How many times do I have to say "I'm sorry"?!
Uh, once would be nice.
[Studio audience laughing]
♪
Hey.
Oh, hey.
Hey.
You gonna go out with Kevin?
Uh, yeah.
I told him I always wanted someone to cook for me,
and he said he'd make me a fancy dinner on Friday.
[Scoffs]
What?
Nothin'.
Good luck.
Thank you.
[Laughs]
♪
Hey.
Can I see it?
Jesus.
You think Gertrude's what I should do?
You're asking me?
Yeah.Uh...
I mean...
I think so.
Yes.
Okay.
Then that's what I'll do.
You trust me to figure out the rest of your life?
You have a sense of direction.
Allison.
[Screams]
[Breathing heavily]
Oh. Happy birthday.
-It's your birthday? -Tomorrow.
How come she knew and I didn't?
We're planning a surprise party for Patti.
[Gasps]
A surprise party? Yes.
And I was actually gonna ask you if you would help me plan it.
What are you doing?Nothing.
[Glass shatters]
All: Surprise!
♪